witty one liners about life

71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours. 15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. Therefore, theres no true formula for a perfect joke, and despite study and analysis on the part of comedians and scientists, we dont have a precise answer to, What makes things funny?. Movies are more than just entertainment. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever and witty. So did everyone else on the submarine), Disrupts expectations via incongruity between a concept, situation, or idea. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. Steven Wright. The first few lines of a speech are like little teasers. Nobel who? The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. It's inevitable that people will feel awkward trying to make small talk when a loved one dies. That always worries me!" Pets: the family members you get to choose. , A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough. ~ Benjamin Franklin. I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Bill Gates, 30. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Now quiet! I did an original sin. From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Jesus, Matthew 6:27, 9. "Jerry Lewis, 67. The desire to live a purposeful life, I truly believe, resides in all humans. Paulo Braga, 22. Model that is, live the behavior you want others to practice. Mario Morino, 58. 14 Social Skills to Help You Win in Life Microexpressions The Definitive Guide to Facial Expressions . "It takes a long time to grow an old friend.". The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. You cant believe everything you hearbut you can repeat it. If you have to go around telling people how awesome you are, there's a pretty good chance that you're the only one who actually thinks so. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door. Continue with Recommended Cookies. "Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face." When we do it or inspire it in others, it can feel like magic, and like magic, laughter can be similarly mysterious and elusive. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. If I cared, I would have listened the first time. Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls, 84. 88. "Charles Lamb, 96. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood.". 1. 9. "If at first you don't succeed, try management . You will never get out of it alive." Funny quotes for online dating profile Whether you put for guys irresistible. Just leave me alone! Unknown, 76. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. eraser_dust: "Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.". He just wanted a little more space. 8. You can either be right, or you can be happy." But dont worrywe have just the thing for a case of the Mondays: funny work quotes. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. Life without coffee is like something without somethingsorry, I havent had any coffee yet. Unknown, 6. Co-workers are like Christmas lights. Question:Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: To prove to the opossum that it could be done. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. Not only will you receive praise for introducing an amazing team building activity, but youll also get plenty of fun facts you can use to laugh with (and maybe at) your teammates. Who are the best 90s television characters of all time. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. What do you call Santas helpers? Seven days without laughter makes one weak. Mort Walker, 17. 36. "7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.". These characteristics include: Illustrating a generally harmless mistake, misunderstanding, or departure from the norm. They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. Mark Twain, 71. Will Rogers, 101. If youre looking for the biggest laughs from the fewest words, youve come to the right place. - 101 funny one-liners - Best knock-knock jokes for kids. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? 26. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. "Carrie Fisher, 70. The kind of life motivation I need. This post contains content written byErin Chack and Tanner Greenring. Recent Posts. Employee Wellness Program Ideas Its full of surprises, and things dont always turn out the way you plan. Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. Youd think at least one of them would have ducked. 15. Take my advice Im not using it. Unknown, 71. . Whether you're having a bad day or know someone who could use a little cheering up, laughter really is the best medicine plus, there are so many ways to tickle your funny bone. What do you call a mobster whos buried in cement? But I want the ones with truffle and peanut butter. One liner tags: attitude, communication, life. Impossible is for the unwilling. John Keats, 69. Do you know a funny one liner? She graduated with an individualized major in Comparative Literary and Cultural Studies from the University of Connecticut. Once you get that key point across, your audience will likely listen to everything else you have to say. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? "Will Rogers, 66. Helps people understand one another via insight or perspective on the current social environment. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? "If you can't be kind, at least be vague. I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off. Tact is for those who arent funny enough for sarcasm. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), I Slept on the Sealy Posturepedic for Five MonthsThese Are My Honest Thoughts, 108 Sarcasm Quotes That Are the Perfect Mix of Witty and Clever, 100 Funny Inspirational Quotes for When You Need a Good Laugh to Get Moving, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Weve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. "Joan Rivers, 44. Attire. Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones? Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? 82.89 % / 2909 votes. Yeah, they got him on possession. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. Charlie Brown, 8. "David Lee Roth, 79. Life. Water is the most essential element in life because without it you cant make coffee. Karen Salmansohn, 72. Then I want to move in with them." 76. The list below begins with original quotes followed by some from public figures. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. He thought he was God and I didnt.Men are like toilets. Stay up and fight. 2. If you don't know who it is that everyone in the family complains about, it's probably you. What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? They get out of difficult situations very quickly. Turn your wounds into wisdom. Oprah, 50. A polar bear. As the sayings go, we only get one shot at this adventure we call life and weve compiled these 80 funny one-liners about life to bring you a giggle. A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her. A receding hare line. It gets toad away. Thats why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar, 51. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. 69. About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends., It is a good thing to learn caution from the misfortunes of others., You cant belay a man whos falling in love. ~ Edward Abbey, A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. These interesting quotes on being clever are divided into these sections; Dont raise your voice, improve your argument. Unknown, Work hard in silence, let success make the noise. Frank Ocean clever quotes, Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes. Edgard Varse quotes about cleverness, Clever tyrants are never punished. Voltaire. Seriously Awesome Gifts For Coworkers And thats just in the hot dogs. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living. The shortest horror story: Monday. Anonymous, 38. It's the transition that's troublesome. "Jim Halpert, The Office, 91. Dont mind me., 4) If I glance over, its not because I dont care, its because I cant remember anything. (Janeane Garofalo), 5) I was sitting in traffic the other day. Every moment is a fresh beginning. T.S Eliot, 80. Question:What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?Answer: OK you two dont start anything. Oscar Wilde, 92. 51. Silence is golden. 90% of the things I worry about never happen. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". Put the best pick-up lines you were too lazy jokes that one liners for dating one. Use a strategically placed joke to break the ice and make a large group feel like a small gathering of friends. I love deadlines. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks. You can't have a collection of funny life quotes without including some sarcastic sayings. If you think you are too small to make a difference, you havent spent a night with a mosquito. African proverb, 12. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. "Life really does begin at forty. 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? What do you call a guy whos had too much to drink? "Phyllis Diller, 93. Going hungry during your next meeting. Life is full of many ironical aspects that are beyond human comprehension. A large fortune. "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. Happiness depends upon ourselves. Aristotle, 48. Just laugh. "Oscar Wilde, 60. What do you call a steak thats been knighted by the queen? "Everybody wants to save the earth. -Robin Williams. 38. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov, 77. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? People without self-awareness go through life simply reacting out of habit. John C. Allen, 7. 78. No need to repeat. Thats okay. People say I'm condescending. Clever people are smart, witty, and intelligent. Here are 40 hilarious one-liner jokes guaranteed to put a smile on both of your faces. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is. If at first you dont succeed then skydiving definitely isnt for you. -, Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. -, In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. -, Short cuts make long delays. - Pippin in. So sit back, relax and get ready for some work-related chuckles. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." One liner tags: people, puns. One liner tags: attitude, communication, life 83.79 % / 1230 votes. "Life is short. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. We've created informative articles that you can come back to again and again when you have questions or want to learn more! What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? "Zig Ziglar, 99. Pretty women go shopping." Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. Winston Churchill, 37. 70. If youre familiar and passionate about your joke, you have a better chance of getting a reaction from others. 43. "Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart." - Ross Perot "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." - George Carlin "There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them." - Lawrence Welk "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved. Witty one liners means instant laughs. Pro-tip #2: Not comfortable making jokes? ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Gustav Jung 5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Unknown, 70. If Im gonna tell a real story, Im gonna start with my name. Kendrick Lamar, 60. Unique Gifts For Employees That's a life lesson I could have done without. 3. #1. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. Robert Frost, 20. 68. 19. 59. "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway." A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun. Keeping this cookie enabled helps us to improve our website. In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up . "Never try to have the last word. -David Letterman, If I glance over, its not because I dont care, its because I can't remember anything. It was a knot-for-profit. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? "Change is inevitableexcept from a vending machine." Speaking in front of a small group can feel like going on a first date. Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. 31. Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. Earl Nightingale, 25. If you need a little extra cheering, listen to these funny podcasts during your morning commute. Laughter is contagious, after all. 95 Entrepreneur Quotes For Business Motivation & Success! Pro-tip #3: Champion humor in your workplace by using an employee recognition platform such as Nectar to provide peer-to-peer rewards for making others laugh or smile. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. 96. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want." ~ William Binger "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Witty One Liners about Men "You can't belay a man who's falling in love." ~ Edward Abbey "An empty man is full of himself." "A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? 64. Heres a brief summary: These workplace greetings have become such a commonplace part of our lives, theyre practically rhetorical. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Robert Frost. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. Interviewer to job applicant: Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?. When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you. 74. 14. And if these arent enough, check out some uplifting inspirational quotes thatll add some extra motivation to your workweek. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Lucie Turkel is a lifestyle and culture writer covering the latest in holidays, books, movies and television, and e-commerce for RD.com. You dont know anyone, however, if you tell the right joke, you might find yourself feeling like youve known everyone for years. 66. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Unknown, 49. I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas. Unknown, 4. 37. 58. BBLTHRW. Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behaviour decides who stays in your life. Unknown, 26. Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson, 19. Looking for inspirational quotes about being clever? Probably why I got run over. (Best Life), 6) I cant believe my parents support my choice of profession! If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it. Jarod Kintz, 46. They know how to use a person or a situation for their own benefits. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. "Jim Carrey, 59. So brunettes can remember them. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. If I want your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary forms Unknown, 79. 70: When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? "Lily Tomlin, 19. Nobody gets out alive anyway. "Crying is for plain women. DukeMcGoober: Then God said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life.". Eleanor Roosevelt, 26. My recliner and I go way back. A happy soul is the best shield for a cruel world. Atticus, 75. Oprah Winfrey, 27. A Gigantic Collection of Entertainment Cliparts and Illustrations, 22 Types of Highly Annoying People You See in Movie Theaters, Here Are Some Of The Best Animated Disney Movies, The Catchiest Pop Songs From The Early 2000s Youll Want To Repeat, The Best 80s Movies To Stream This Weekend. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. St. Patrick's Day puns that totally sham-rock. "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Shirley MacLaine, 57. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money? I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. What do you call a hippies wife? Discover unique things to do, places to eat, and sights to see in the best destinations around the world with Bring Me! Whats motivating you to get out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button for the seventh time? (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? Life really does begin at forty. Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. Funny work quotes are some of the only things strong enough to fight off the Sunday Scariesby joking about Monday morning, of course. "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." The secret to life is to love who you are warts and all. David DeNotaris, 39. Take the Quiz The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph! Marvin Phillips, 4. Lets chat! Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."P.J. 84.04 % / 304 votes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes. Because seven eight nine. Your coffee break partner. Iconic funny movie quotes from fan favorites and cult classics like Elf, Coming to America, Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, The Big Lebowski, and more have . Playing to what makes an audience similar, A: You can find good icebreaker jokes for work in. This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought. You start the meeting by reviewing your agenda. Now I realize I should have been more specific. 73. - Will Rogers. Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies. (iFunny). 3. 70 Resentment Quotes To Let Go Your Bitter Feelings, 120 Good Morning Quotes, Wishes, Messages & Images. Joan Rivers, 94. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. Morris Kline, 59. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true." The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. Not only do they get people laughing, but they may subtly point out similarities of experience, opinions, and values to make even a tight-knit group feel more closely bonded. Life is not a fairy tale, if you lose your shoe at midnight, youre drunk. Unknown, 18. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. A dirty double-crosser. One-Liners. Dolly Parton, 56. .css-2ahkpt{display:block;font-family:Brandon,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;margin-bottom:0.5rem;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-2ahkpt:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress, Leann Rimes Shares Video Montage for Anniversary, Crazy Rules 'Jeopardy' Contestants Have to Follow, Watch Kelly Clarkson's Cover of Taylor Swift Song. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. It fascinates me. A: Icebreaker jokes are always appropriate to tell at work. I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can't end a sentence with a proposition. Originally Published: Oct. 7, 2019. 4. "Oscar Wilde, 14. Manage Settings Did you find some humor and a bit of inspiration in this collection of funny quotes about life? I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb, 9. - Steven Wright. "I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas." - Unknown 4. 98. Who wants to know? Life is an adventure and getting wherever you are going is half the fun. Unknown, 31. THIS IS HILARIOUS. Question:Why cant men get Mad Cow Disease?Answer: Because it only attacks the brain. Sometimes a humorous quip can help everyone relax. "Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands." ~ Jayne Mansfield. "Life is pleasant. Now you say, Control freak who?. 45. Looking for more inspiration? Thoughtful Employee Appreciation Ideas Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. Why did the parents not like their sons biology teacher? My son told me he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us.".

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