My cousin, who lived a similar life, got cancer and died in her 40s (before her mom), having never dated, having given all her money to her mother, and having really never even had friends as an adult. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. Now if you just like this guy but you're happy to throw in the towel, cut your losses now. did he text and call and respond the way you want? The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. Web167 likes, 15 comments - JJ Heller (@jjhellermusic) on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! Before pregnancy we hardly ever heard from his mom- my boyfriend and her barley have a relationship. Chauvinist much? Because OP seems to think it is, I question her version of events. I mean I'm 18 and we were 16 I think when we got together and I left when he was 18 and i was 17 so it was a bit more of an issue since he couldnt really move out. I learned about this from the renowned shaman Rud Iand. His mother always thinks she knows best is never wrong and never apologizes. As far as I can tell, she's a single mom supporting three kids on a business she's running alone. 1- Does he see it as an issue? Unless the current travel distance is too much. Thats fine, but I dont think I can continue with him as he already has so much responsibility and is almost never free to give me his full attention. r/JUSTNOMIL will be the future if you stay and he doesnt change. She knows about all of her son's relationship squabbles! it's not normal that his mom seems helpless and that he carries a lot of the burden of the household. The dude has a bigger problem of not knowing how to set boundaries. You've only been dating for a few months and you're already arguing over what seems to be a huge issue. She probably overheard them say something like "okay Dad" like we say to our friends when they start acting like a parent. I don't trust OP's narrative on this point. He cant downsize his mother until he moves out of her house. You are never going to get him to change this, and you can't change this. Like.kind of wondering if OP ever helps her parents?? 1. Give him a break, sounds like he's a caring individual. He is afraid hell lose her attention or love if he doesnt do what she says. A lot of families are like this. My jaw dropped and I got the hibbi jibbies at the whole younger siblings calling him daddy. Even if that adult lives with parents. You're already feeling neglected, and I've found that when huge issues like this are present this early in a relationship, they simply never go away, regardless of how much things may change in the future. Being able to make sure his siblings have something that he may have not had. It's the first person he had a close and connected relationship with (in most cases) and is, in many circumstances, the person who shaped his values and outlook on the world. Daniel Mabanta he has to do some other errands sometimes. You all are a couple. You have to remember to take care of yourself. Is his mother a narcissist? 9 years old asking help of older brother with food is nothing outrageous either. I agree. He always said she never had a problem with me it was just their culture but eventually it became clear that this wasnt what i wanted. If not, I don't think going to the grocery store and helping his single mom out with his two younger brothers is that big of a deal in exchange for a free place to stay. I wonder if the phone call thing was just the mom asking her kid something. This is the first thing I thought. Did he help raise his siblings from very young? I think his mom is relying on him a lot. Don't involve yourself. They'll say "they're doing their duty as a sibling!!" You don't have to save this relationship, its hard and there are crazy circumstances right now which make it much harder. It takes a lot for him to deal with problems head-on, so expect deep conversations and fights to be complicated. He enjoys romantic partnerships and loves the thrill of an argument, so if you are a bit passive or not confident, he will not be the one for you. Pros and cons. If you have a strained relationship with your family, seeing Alright this is a tough situation. But the more empathy you can show toward him the better. Youll never be able to find such a gem of a person who is willing to take such responsibility. I like her." His mother uses guilt, silent treatment, and passive-aggressiveness as a weapon. Also check out r/justnomil to talk to people who married people in your partner's situation. He's gonna wake up when he's 35 and realise he's wasted his youth on his mother - who is his partner, not a parent, at the moment. He is probably worried for what may happen to his brothers if he leaves as well. Here are some common ones: If you find yourself in a relationship with a man who you strongly suspect is codependent with his mother, here are some tips to help you deal with the situation. Before he makes any big decisions, he consults her to Also, his siblings should NOT be calling him "Daddy"- that's just fucked up and weird. If you are so upset with his actions then I think you have your answer. WebWhen her son marries, however, his first commitment is to his new spouse, and this may be a hard reality for a mother to accept. How can you say this will NEVER stop, you negative person who is so eager to make sure other people break up! If no, then there is nothing you can do, he will have to figure out for himself. That is called contributing since he is a grown man still living at home. Youre Forcing Him To Lie. Does he live in a separate town far away? How to set boundaries in a new relationship, Is an open relationship a bad idea? We need to face the facts about why we end up with codependent people. It's a normal thing with that kind of mothers. My sister isnt my mom. People can surprise you, is all. He has great respect for women and is eager to hear his partner's opinion, but he's also immature and unable to call the shots on his own. He This past year I've watched as a friend's mom turned on her, threw her out, and decided that she was the cause of all the mom's trouble. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. The fact that she's interrupting phone calls sounds like an easy thing to fix, how often are you on the phone, is it scheduled or random? Is she going to the extreme? It's called boundaries. The disentanglement there would require tact and likely some degree of willingness and/or acceptance from all parties. We went to his house and hung out for a few hours. If you think youre dealing with a codependent partner, this article will talk you through how best to deal with it. EDIT 2: wow guys thanks for the gold, did not expect it, I actually agree with all of thisitd be one thing if he were a dead beat garbage person buthe is clearly in an abusive situation and his life seems very socially draining. But you must accept that you are not in a position to fix him, or his relationship with his mom. He's a 22-year-old man. and he'll usually say "baby its your mom. I love her to death and she is one of my best friends, but she shouldnt have had to feel like she needed to be that for me. The two younger boys calling him daddy is not culturally normal but it sounds like he's the father figure in their life and I assume this comes from them seeing their friends with their father figure. he needs to start standing up to his mom and Theres never a time that we go anywhere without her. Instead, if you want to pursue this relationship, you should be as un-demanding as possible. To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. You will become the bad guy and will always come second. Tina Fey I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. When he needed your help, all you did was get upset. Sure he will. Are you the other woman to a guy whose wife and kids keep interrupting him? We all have very different family dynamics. We dated for a few years and it progressively got worse. WebI have three pieces of advice for women when it comes to your guy and his mom: 1. It's also fairly normal for older children, e.g. She will learn how she should expect to be treated by him. It was very unusual for me to see. When your boyfriend and his mother are too dependent on one another, it can become unhealthy. And at that age if youre not feeling that way then I think its better for both parties to move on. He's probably not gonna change. and break up. He's a hustler and a great businessman but has the bite of a rattlesnake. 7 signs youre in a relationship with a genuinely good person, 10 signs youre in a relationship with a trustworthy person, 9 heart-warming habits of couples who stay madly in love, finally offered an actual, practical solution, The power of kindness: 10 habits of genuinely caring individuals, If you exhibit these 10 traits, you have a truly adventurous personality, 11 common words that make you sound less confident (and how to replace them). Do you love him and does he love you? or did family things get in the way? It may require some patience and understanding to get through to him. Our partners problems so easily impact us. May 1, 2023, 6:36 am, by this is totally normal during normal circumstances, let alone during a PANDEMIC lol. He is overly concerned about her health and wellbeing. For some bizarre reason, he expects you to act just like she does. This reads like the title of a weird porn video. It will be nothing you can force. You cannot except him to be free anytime soon and if you get mad and push him it will only make it harder for him. I'd get out now before you invest any more time into this relationship. Create a calendar for your family but be clear that That's definitely not normal. He can get control by simply saying no to mom. Im skeptical about OPs version of events because she lists weekly shopping as an inappropriate demand. You know what's he's dealing with and you're just pouring more gas into the fire. Thats a really hard place to be in, 10x harder with a fussy partner who isnt empathizing. The brothers asking him for permission is on the line and red flag of a problem. If he doesnt, then you need to understand your limited power to change things. Enter your account data and we will send you a link to reset your password. You have to ask yourself how much this problem has affected you. The chances are your relationship won't work out in the long run anyway. Pop over to justnomil and read some of the information about the page. In your heart you have to do what is best for you. Unfortunately in most single parenthood situations, parents like to dump their kids on the oldest. We can't tell you that, but you need to think about if things would be different if he lived out of that house. From her post it sounds like theyve only communicated with phone calls. His mother sees this as a competition. The unfortunate truth is the longer he has been in a codependent relationship with his mom, and the more severe it is, the worse the outlook over whether he will change. Blech. You've been making demands on him, just like his mother does. He is obviously struggling and by what you wrote - he cannot open up to you because you're not understanding and do not support him. It got so weird at times, and I really questioned what was going on. That part of this is really understandable, especially considering you're probably feeling a bit lonely in this whole isolating situation, just like many of us are. Seriously. She will poison him against you when she feels like she is losing control. I mean really, she thinks its unreasonable to ask a 22 year old LIVING AT HOME to go to the grocery store once a week??? By Laura Lifshitz Updated on Feb 16, 2023. This means setting boundaries around your time together and perhaps how involved she is in your life. I am not her responsibility. Not trying to imply hope where there isn't any, but my bf of a year had a very controlling and abusive mother that he just couldn't seem to stand up to. Step two would be to get him out of the FOG, gently getting him to recognise all the above and see how unhealthy it is. Good luck girl. His mom probably knows more about his relationships than a romantic partner would like, but if his mom doesn't like the person he loves, he's quick to tell her to back the F up if need be. I agree with this so much! Codependence is defined as a psychological dependence on another person for ones own sense of worth, happiness, and emotional well-being. It sounds like she doesnt like her boyfriends life. I remember one time, we wanted to visit his family. Enmeshment happens when two people are so connected emotionally they cannot function independently. The grocery trip is weekly, too. This will never stop. He may want to consider family therapy if his mom is open to it too, or even just individual therapy to get to the root causes of what is going on. Does a lot for his family. Nope, instead, he has an intense fear that he will disappoint her, and he tends to sneak around to do what he wants to do, especially if he thinks she won't give the thumbs up. Eventually the bf displayed extreme bad behavior with drinking and we split up. You said "he doesn't even get to breathe" in response to all things his mom makes him do, and then when he does get a chance to catch a breath, you demand his full attention. You might not like my opinion and my language might be a bit strong, but you're being very incosiderate towards him. I just wanted more quality conversations. did he plan dates and was he reliable about showing up when he said he would? You may not be able to get him to establish firmer boundaries, but you can firm up your own. He has a tumultuous relationship with his mother that is rooted from day one, and it's not pretty. Now her sibling is being taken in as the new golden child while she has been thrown out on her ass with no savings, a crap work history, a series of broken relationships, and nothing to show for her time since high school. This is the best comment in the thread. He lies to you the same way hed lie to his But he will just try to balance both and fail unless he actually misses out on his own life because of his acceptance that this is just his life. I'm getting some catfishing vibes. If your spouse has a great relationship with his mom, be happy It sounds like his mother works full time so even if he too works full time this still applies IMO, particularly with helping with his siblings. You can just be done. it's normal to help out with small kids at home, and it's very stressful for caregivers having them 24/7 right now with no school or other activities. Heres how acting like his mother instead of his girlfriend changed everything: It Killed the Romance. If you aren't 100% committed, I would walk away. Obviously, everything does not have to be done as a family. ask how he feels about it. I don't understand why you two aren't spending time together. Its like he wants to marry a copy of his own mother. Hes still quite young so theres time for him to realise. tell him you're concerned to see how much he puts aside his own needs for the family and it hurts you to see people take advantage of him. Web. views, likes, loves, comments, shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Atty. You have a man who is not threatened by women but stimulated by them. They will either choose to accept the reality of the situation, or they wont. RELATED: 4 Ways His Mom Strangely Affects Your Marriage. The situation can change, if he's thinking about moving there's a chance it might change, but he has to figure it out. Hes the man you should marry, let alone date. He lives in a single parent household but his siblings are in their teens now. You can suggest that he tries to create some clearer boundaries between them. An adult living with his parent should be taking on a share of household duties and/or contributing financially. You can google all these terms and you will learn slot very quickly. No reason to think he will be that way when he moves out and becomes independent. This poor guy shouldnt trade in a mother that needs too much from him for a girlfriend that does the same. It seems he is trying. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. A mom who lives locally might lack the physical he has to choose to be available for a relationship. If he plans to move out once able, then hopefully you can stick it through. Have you felt your life is being strongly impacted by his mother or their relationship together? He saw it as a 'me' problem, she even demanded he leave me and return to her place ON MY 25TH BIRTHDAY. His mom isn't the problem. If the lack of time spent together is a deal breaker for you, then it can be. Maybe there's a deeper reason to why things are how they are but you don't know it cause the only thing that matters to you is that you're not getting the attention. I feel like the amount of time you spend with your mom impacts our relationship together. But then again your boyfriend isnt acting normal either but in a way you you cant blame him when hes been conditioned his whole life like this. No it doesnt. And a worse disposition. But also, maybe it's a bit of a family joke (albeit a weird one). He is generous in spirit and loyal as a puppy, but ultimately his view of you will always be shaped by that seen or unseen force: Mommy dearest. We are older, Im late 20s and he is early 30s and our parents are older so I just wrote it off as him taking care of his older mom. He is with her often, and while she doesn't call the shots, he is constantly touching base with her. Im in the same boat, but Im older and engaged. Hes a gem of a person wholl love you more than anyone else. I'd be embarrassed if that were me. Let him see you as a partner, as if you two were a team and are taking this problem as a one. 1) accept he'll never change and that's the life he decided to lead 2) wait for him to change. The first few months in a relationship are the foundation upon which you build the rest of it. I'm not going to argue whether it is his duty to help his family in this way or whether this is emotional incest or parentification. Okay this is weird. WebShe treats him like he's about four and does all his washing, cooking, makes his bed, buys his clothes, gives him an allowance (he's nearly 25 for gods sake) and doesn't even bat an eyelid when he refuses to get up until 5pm some days. In my opinion I think both sides are wrong. Go with your gut here. So I very much second that he needs to recognise it as a problem, otherwise it will continue how it is and OP will have to be the increasingly accommodating one. it sounds like it doesn't occur to him to set the normal boundary of "be quiet and don't bug me for 30 min, i need to call someone". I do agree that whatever is happening in that house is terribly wrong, BUT it's not about you. 3- If you feel like it's all to much at this point and it makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps you should consider moving on.it sounds like there is a deep bond between him and his family, and if in the future as he grows more as a man he doesn't set the necessary boundaries. but rather than just making yourself one more person who demands his time and attention, what can you do to support his plans to move out, to stand up for himself and put HIMSELF first? This is super overdramatic, lol. If hes not reaching his potential, he has only himself to blame. I think that lies on BF's shoulders- to schedule time for calls when he will be free to talk. Fathers set a standard with not only the way they treat their daughters, but how they treat her mother. Ruds teachings showed me a whole new perspective. May 1, 2023, 3:30 pm, by What does she think family is for, if not going grocery shopping once a week to lighten the load lol. As I continued to date him, I saw from the outside how pervasive his relationship was with his daughter. i (22f) live with my family and boyfriend (22m). Recognize when youre feeling overwhelmed and take breaks from the situation if you need to until you feel better. 6 Things You Can Learn From A Man's Relationship With His Mother, 13 Things Your Mother-In-Law Secretly Thinks About Your Marriage, 4 Ways His Mom Strangely Affects Your Marriage, How To Handle In-Laws Who Don't Like You (For The Sake Of Your Relationship), 3 Zodiac Signs Who Need Change In Love May 1, 2023, During Pluto Retrograde, 13 Signs You Don't Value Yourself Enough (Which Turns Men Off), 3 Zodiac Signs Are Luckiest In Love On May 1, 2023, During Moon Square Venus, 15 Definitive Signs You're With A Good Man (As Written By One), Zodiac Signs That Are Terrible At Relationships (And Why), 20 Little Things Women Do That Guys *Secretly* Love, The Perfect Age To Get Married, According To Science, 5 Little Ways Men Wish They Could Be Loved Every Single Day. When his mom realized that I was taking him away from her, she went full psycho and did everything she could to stop me from dating him. He should look at the lists of narcissistic traits and tactics on the internet. Of course, they are. Taking care of younger siblings is a very normal thing when there's that big of an age difference as well (however you may feel about that pressure). He is the problem. Walk away. Doing weekly shopping and running errands is not an unreasonable ask. I don't know how much further I want to take this conversation with him. You might notice some signs that your boyfriend is codependent. Of course she relies on your boyfriend to help out around the house and help control the kids. Especially if your BF isn't working right now, and she is (that part's unclear from your post). Should I end things with him? Its hard to know the answer here. It can be incredibly challenging to change this dynamic though, as it has likely been long ingrained. That can be annoying. Its become the norm for his family to just not give him any privacy, which is why moving out would probably be the easiest way for him to set those boundaries moving forward. Look depending on how much you like this guy, you have two options.
my boyfriend's mom treats him like her husband
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